The Project According to Dan

I’ve decided to focus this update around what my role on the team was during this project.  Following my second-day, evening meltdown, I had a one-on-one meeting with Derek, as everyone else had the night before.  I felt compelled to explain to him my reservations about the project, namely that I had never really worked with kids before (although I did have the experience of once being a kid – some may argue I was born 40, but that’s a different topic), and that I wasn’t entirely sure what difference our team could make in two months.  Not to mention I was concerned that we would be lacking the one thing kids really need: consistency.  After two months, we’d be gone, and then what?  At the time we figured there would be another team following us, sure, but just when we were getting comfortable with the kids and (more importantly) they were getting comfortable with us, we’d be leaving.  He listened to me and told me that above everything else, kids just want attention and to be heard.  So, he asked that I just try and give them my focus when they were here and do what I could for them. 

I appreciated what he said, and while honest, valid and helpful, that was the only real training I would receive for the rest of the project.

There were a number of programs that we were asked to help facilitate at the club.  These programs were funded by grants that had been applied for and given to the club, so each of them had to be run.  My team paired off and was assigned at least one, maybe two, programs to be involved with.  I was teamed with Mike, and the two of us were put with a program called Passport to Manhood.  Control your laughter for just one moment, as it gets better.  So, P2M, as I came to abbreviate it, was designed for 11-14 year old boys, and led the group through activities and discussions that would focus on the various challenges of adolescence for boys.  These topics ranged from making responsible choices, to resolving conflicts with authority, to relationships with girls, to fatherhood.  Again, my only training for this program came from a teacher’s manual that had handouts and activities for each topic.  That and the fact that I seem to have navigated adolescence more or less successfully.   And, it needs to be said that there were few 11 – 14 year olds actually within the program.  The average age of kids in the class were 8-10. 

(As a side note, I was also put in charge of preparing an ACT Prep program for high schoolers.  I prepared a handout of strategies for answering ACT questions, practice tests for the different subjects, and fliers to promote this program in the schools.  I was told to have things on hand if anyone asked, because this was going to be a “upon request” type of program.  I never once had anyone ask for help preparing for the ACT.  By the end of the project, I had forgotten about it completely.  So, this will be the last time I bring it up.)

The first day of P2M, Mike and I watched one of the two regular staff members, Jordan (who is Chick’s grandson), run the program.  But this to him was asking the boys if they thought Carmello Anthony would ever do drugs (to which all children, unless they are trying to be “funny,” will answer no) then letting them play flag football.  We were both puzzled by this lax attitude toward the program, when it had been stressed to us that these programs needed to be run fully and completely – especially since they had been given thousands of dollars in grant money to run it.

When Mike and I were finally able to look at the manual, we were shocked to see what the lesson was supposed to be.  It had nothing to do with drugs, but about making good choices.  Somewhere the message got mixed along the way.  We asked Jordan how he prepared for each session, twice a week, he said he didn’t really.  He looked through the book 15 minutes beforehand, made up a few questions, then let the boys go to rec. 

So, there we were, being teamed up in a program that wasn’t actually being run. 

Mike and I had no choice but to jump in right away.  I don’t want to make it seem like we felt we had to undermine Jordan, or that we felt compelled to save the program, but it was apparent that Jordan wasn’t going to run the program the way it was meant to be run.  And all of my team had been told that part of the reason for falling enrollment rates were staff-related issues.  So, even by preparing at a minimal level, an hour a week, it was inevitable that we were going to take control of the program away from Jordan.  We attempted to discuss our preparation plans with him and get him on board, but it was clear that he was content to let us take over.  So we did.

We prepared a “Code of Conduct” for the boys to develop as the program advanced.  At the end of each week, they would come up with a new code to live by based upon the lessons of the week.  For the most part they were really good at doing this, and over the course of the project we developed a code that even I would be proud to live by.  But the boys were hesitant to participate every step of the way.  First, they were just too young for some of the material.  We had to water down all the discussions so that a 9 year old would be able to understand and willing to discuss topics like how cigarette and alcohol ads try to manipulate a person into buying their products.  Second, they had been conditioned to believe that every program at the club was rec.  Each day, before starting, we would be asked in the pleading manner of children if today we’d be going into the gym.  Some of the younger boys, one in particular, named Talon, told me point blank that he did think we should talk about the “drugs and alcohol stuff,” and that the boys would be happier if we went and played football.  Or kickball.  Or jump rope.  Anything to keep from actually having to go through our program. 

When we talked to Derek about the difficulties we were facing, he encouraged us to just keep doing what we were doing.  Eventually something would break.  Well, something did break, when the last two weeks we were there, we had more outbursts from restless boys than ever before.  It got to the point where we had to begin threatening to take away rec time if only to get the boys to listen.  So, in the end, I became the disciplinarian teacher with a subject that no one wanted to listen to. 

Or at least that’s how it felt by the end.  I don’t blame the boys in the club.  Again, they were too young for some of the material and activities, and they were just being boys at their age.  I feel like I wasn’t as creative as I needed to be to get the success that I had hoped for.  While there were some major moments of pride for me, like when we had a lengthy and mature discussion on why men should respect women, and that by the end, the boys were no longer asking right off if we were having gym instead of P2M, more often than not, it felt like I was beating my head against a brick wall.  I never really knew what that expression felt like before this project.  Now I do.  And I have much more respect for people who willingly go into these careers and do make strides teaching children.  Or I think they are that much crazier, I haven’t really decided.

I need to make it clear that I am venting right now.  90% of the time, I was not ready to walk away from this program, but I wanted to emphasize the challenges that I faced during the two months there.

Because as tough as I had it sometimes and as frustrating as it was to successfully complete my program, compared to some of my teammates, I was lucky. 

Settle in, folks. This is going to be a long update…

My team had its debriefing for our second phase project today, which means that we are officially done with our experience in Pine Ridge, SD.  And yet, I have maybe two updates about the entire project, not because I was lacking internet access or because I was lazy, but because this project was so frustrating/ stressful/ infuriating, that I made the conscious decision NOT to post about it.  Anything I said would have been remarkably critical, and I didn’t want there to be a chance that people who shouldn’t be reading it (namely, the woman in charge of our project) could.  Allow me to explain…

This project began with enthusiasm and excitement for my entire team.  From day 1 of learning about it, we had been told that we were one of the few teams even considered for the project, because the higher-ups felt our team’s dynamics would suit the project.  This was a high-profile project.  We would be working on the Pine Ridge Indian Reservation at the SuAnne Big Crow Boys and Girls Club.  Non-natives working with and teaching Native children, Lakota Sioux to be precise.  We were warned: people in places well above our regional offices would be watching us to see how a team would work in such an environment.  We were, in essence, the prototype team for NCCC going into Reservations.  We felt honored and pleased by the distinction, but little did we know what lay ahead (cue foreboding music with lightning).

The drive to South Dakota was nice, but a bit harrowing at times.  Because of winter weather, we had to take the scenic route through south through Utah, through Colorado, then north through Nebraska and to South Dakota.  For anyone who has traveled this route before (as I am sure many of you who read this have), you might recognize that this takes us through the Rocky Mountains in the heart of ski country, like Vail, CO.  And it was there that, looking back, it seemed the mountains were trying to tell us to turn back; go no further; danger ahead.  Snow swirled around us, wind blew our 15 passenger van to both sides of the road, grey clouds descended and veiled our vision – the worst winter weather I had ever seen.  Yet we made it through, and once we passed Denver, it was smooth driving the rest of the way. 

We arrived on a Thursday, and were awkwardly met by our first supervisor and the Programs Director for the club, Derek.  Derek is not a Native.  He lives in Nebraska and was a teacher for many years at Red Cloud School, the Jesuit school down the road from the club.  A nice man.  A smart man.  Just a bit socially awkward.  We got a brief tour of the club from him, and then were introduced to the club’s Executive Director, Chick.  Now, ”Chick” is a nickname for Leatrice Big Crow, the mother of the deceased girl, after whom the club is named.  The fact that there is such a strong family connection within the club becomes important, so stay with me.

The first night was enjoyable.  Chick and her family (who we later found out were actually part of the staff) prepared us a meal of Indian Tacos, which are different only in that they are made with frybread instead of tortillas (frybread could be a post of its own), she said a prayer for us and we had a smudging ceremony to rid any ill-spirits from us so that our experience could be a positive one.  Now, having gone to university near a Reservation, I am aware of smudging and have done this before.  I was grateful that they were taking that kind of interest in us being there.  But, no amount of burning sage was going to shield us from the experience we were about to have.

The next day was our “orientation.”  Because such a big deal had been made about our project being within a different culture, none of us wanted to speak out of turn about anything, so we largely sat and listened to Chick talk about the club and the Reservation.  We learned about SuAnne and her fame in Pine Ridge and her tragic death that was the impetus for this club.  Chick talked about the poverty on the Rez, which she called “emotional poverty” rather than “material poverty.”  We even were told that if the spirts were right with us, we might be allowed to perform a sweat lodge (they weren’t, I guess, we didn’t).  Some of this was interesting, some was bizarre, some was uncomfortable, but who were we to judge the situation on the first real day. 

We were then taken into a different room of the club, which they call the “Incentive Room.”  Incentive for who or what, we’re not really sure.  We were led into this room, which initially strikes you as a very nice room, but very out of place for a Boys and Girls Club.  It looked like a living room: long sofa in the middle facing an entertainment center with a sizable tv, a fireplace to one side, still decorated for Christmas (mind you it was the 8th of February), and fashionable light fixtures.  Then we started to notice the decor: plaques for various awards, medallions, trophies, glass-enclosed jerseys and jackets from national basketball tournaments, a life-sized cardboard cut-out of a teenage girl…it hits you suddenly.  We were standing in the room that had been devoted and dedicated to the accomplishments of SuAnne while she was alive.  I don’t mean any disrespect by my description.  SuAnne must have been a remarkable and talented girl.  But for myself and my team, this was an uncomfortable moment.  Especially when Chick played our orientation video, which was a collection of home video of SuAnne, the majority of which dealt with her basketball accomplishments.  Imagine sitting in a room with the a mother watching a highlight reel of her deceased daughter, on what turned out to be the day before the 16th anniversary of the day she died, surrounded by the artifacts of that life.  What do you say?  How do you react?  How do you not feel uncomfortable? 

That was the only training we were to receive for the length of the project.  Following this day’s orientation, I had a brief, but acute, panic attack.  We still had no idea what we were supposed to do at this club, as no one had yet explained to us why we were needed and how we would be used.  I had never worked with children before in this type of environment, I didn’t know what to do or how I was going to do it, so I did the only thing I could think to do – I flipped out.  My team helped me out and talked me down and were very understanding.  They gave me the night to collect myself, while they had to work late (teen social nights lasted until 11:00pm, every other Friday - of course our first night was one of them).  I am still grateful for how understanding and supportive my team was for me that night.

While I never again felt that way and was fine for the rest of the project, it turns out I panicked far too soon.